think too much

A'kum n ello.

hi.

sorry, this is not the post that some might expect. just some stuff that i have to take out from my mind cos apparently, I THINK TOO MUCH.

it is not a nice feeling. this think too much feeling. as much as i love it for being mature to have this kind of thinking, i also dread it. the fact is, this think too much feel is like a psychological problem for me. and i dread it. so much!

the worrying thing is, i think too much even for the slightest thing. especially when i was praying. i do not know about you, but when i pray, i sometimes care too much about my pronunciation. granted, this improve my concentration for my solat, however, the scary part is, i lose so much confidence in my solat. it almost makes me feel unhappy about my solat.

and when this happen, i almost have this depress feeling. the fact that my iman is not that enough. to even make me feel this very difficult feeling. it almost affect me, religiously.

i have to blog about this. because by blogging this, i finally accept this and i know that i have to overcome this. and also to accept the fact that this is actually a disease.

other than the fact that i worried so much about my pronunciation, i worried about other stuff that might make my solat not acceptable. i took this as a benefit for this anxiety though. all the anxiety that i had, i googled them. most of the things that i were not sure of was finally answered. as i said, i think too much, even the slightest thing. and i just realized that i am so few of knowledge about my solat.

i did not even know that when you forget the rakaat that you was in, apart from taking the small number of rakaat and add more rakaat to fill up the rakaat that you forget, you also need to do the sujud sahwi.

did you know that? cos i didn't.

there were plenty of stuff, but that one was the one that most memorable to me.

anyway, even when this is a problem, i am grateful for realizing this problem. because in the end, what matter most is, the future that you have with God. small problems, whether they can be solve or not, the end of the day will not end with another human, but with God instead.

brace your present.

Amin.

to whom?

A'kum n ello..

ok.

i was in major bum few hours ago.all those gone now after i chat with mimi. thank you,sayang :).

like usual,maybe this post will start with nice mood,and end with anger note.

ok.start it off.

some people may know what is the current state of my family matters. and i don't really want to say it as a bad or good thing. i just take it as it is. it's not like i can change anything now that things already become like this and all.

and to tell you the truth,with all the major things that happen in my family, i tried to ignore it as much as i can.if it suddenly appear,i'll give you a nice happy face that make you think "she's one happy kid there"

yeah.

that is my face.

bcos you know why? i want to think that positive things will happen if i smile.maybe it is pretentious smile,but as long as i smile,i know things will be good,whether it is fake or not.

all this smile started after last year.i want to have a positive feeling. i don't want to care about the negative.you may realize that i haven't blog anything moody since last year.except the posts about my immature siblings and some insensitive friends,i don't have any other moody post.

and so, i thought, that moody thing won't happen anymore.it has not appear for 1 year already,why must it appear again.

my thought was immature. the moodiness creep suddenly into my life,and my unhappy note start over again.the familiar moodiness appear as the problem that start becos of one man occur again.

i stated it before that i don't like to know things from others,especially the important and private things.

like this one time,a close friend of mine got a boyfriend.i know her for long,but i knew about her relationship from facebook,from all places.she knows i dislike that guy,and she was scared of telling me,but seriously tho,can't she even try to tell me whenever she saw me online? heck,she's not the same person anymore anyway.she's a different person with some personality that i don't even recognize that i better off not care much about her until she realize that she is a different person especially to her close friends.

and also this one time.a best friend of mine who lost her father.what is best friend anyway? isn't it someone who tell you everything? isn't it someone who knows all about your secret?isn't it someone that will tell you how she feel? as you know,i was worried about my best friend's condition.is she alright?can she still cope with her lost? is she fine? i was worried sick and she didn't do anything to ease my worry.but i tried not to mind much,as her lost is something terrible,therefore i let her have the time to not contact me or anything.but then,i found out,she's not far from me,she's near me,with one bus stop away.and i know where she is from someone else,and not from her.you may think this is a small matter,but please define best friend,and you know why i feel so unhappy listen to this kind of news from someone else.

and now,i heard this 1 news from a relative of mine about the state of my family. it's already wreck enough by not knowing it.but it wrecker now that you know it from someone else.what must i feel now after listening to all this news from someone else,but not from the suppose person?

maybe you think this is a small matter.it is a big matter bcos it affects my life.i'm sensitive enough to care.but you people not sensitive enough to not care about it.

you people think this is a small matter to you.

try stand in my place.your close friend,you best friend,your own family don't treat you like you're important,just like you feel them as the precious people in your life.

ok.you maybe don't feel anything,but it's not because you are insensitive,but also bcos you are selfish enough to think that you can live alone in this world without the need of other people in your life.

i know i'll have response that will say "that person is doing that for your own sake", but let me tell you this, prove what good things i'll have by treating me this way.

and i know i have plenty things to say,but i just don't have the mood to continue anymore.ignore this post,and just looking forward to a happy post from me.

thank you.

what i think about them

A'kum n ello..

so..

here goes.
haha!!!
also include my online friends.haha.

when i think about hani...i'll think of

when i think about my sis...i'll think of

when i think about aqilah,i'll think of

when i think about kp..i'll think

when i think about my 1st bro,i'll think of

when i think about my father,i'll think of

when i think about aina,i'll think of

when i think about emi,i'll think of

when i think about my 2nd bro,i'll think of

when i think about nazneen,i'll think of

when i think about marjani,i'll think of

when i think about fatin aqilah,i'll think of

when i think about liyana gile,i'll think of

when i think about najwa,i'll think of

when i think about ah hin,i'll think of

when i think about amier,i'll think of

when i think about noi,i'll think of

when i think about atman,i'll think of

when i think about afiq ersyad, i'll think of

when i think about shazizan,i'll think of

when i think about asya,i'll think of

when i think about nadia(yes,you~),i'll think of

when i think about anan,i'll think of

when i think about tiron,i'll think of

when i think about faidzal,i'll think of

when i think about ainor salikin,i'll think of

when i think about xabi alonso,i'll think of

when i think about adzrin nadzirah,i'll think of

when i think about ayesha,i'll think of

when i think about Liverpool,i'll think of

when i think about Heri Potter,i'll think of

when i think about shim changmin,i'll think of

when i think about akmali,i'll think of

when i think about izza,i'l think of

i think that's all.haha.
k now.if you're not in the list.tell me,i'll tell you what i think about you.haha

mad and disatisfaction

A'kum n ello...

just minutes ago..i was on the phone with hani..cos i was terribly mad with my sis...yeah,whatever..cos i downloaded this video,KIDS(starring:koike teppei and tamaki hiroshi)..and bcos the files are really big,so we had to wait about 4 hours...and voila~~...

the computer hang~!

oh,i want to curse really badly~!

and i was mad at my sis...and my sis apologized and all....and i was full of fury so i didn't accept it eventho i know it wasn't really entirely her fault...but still,i was terribly mad...and nice timing,hani called me cos she also has a major family problem..

that's why we are best friends...bcos we have similar hearts~!

and then,mostly,i was yelling..i told her all of my disatisfaction from the start of new year...and all the things that i hate during all my life as being a sis,a daughter and also a friend....i told her how much i hate the way this friend of mine being herself...cos clearly,that person is not being herself cos she never realized that i was talking about her eventhough i said it was somebody else,but still...and i talked about other thing...and i even told hani that my ex-crush contacted me and i should be happy about it(eventho ex,but still) but instead i think that person was annoying me....

clearly,i have too many things that really2 mad about,that i wasn't clearly realized about it,but instead i realized about it when i was mad...

and hani,being my great and best friend of mine,just say "btul2!!!"...and when she told me about her problems,and i was also like "KAN????????!?!?!??!?!"...cos really,we have the same problems....and we hate it..

and so we plan that maybe one day,we'll go have holiday,maybe quietly...without the annoying people around us....so that'll be nice....

korea is kinda a long way for us...but nothing is impossible...

i even have to save some money to go to Liverpool..

GOSH,I WANT TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!!!!

yeah..maybe i should be a tour guide..

k now..

THANK YOU HANI!
I LOVE YOU!

ta!
YNWA!

PANIC!

A'kum n ello..

suddenly,i feel panic...i dunno why...i wake up this morning,and i have this panicky feeling...

nothing bad will happen rite?
maybe i'm worried about the final exam...harsh.~
i wonder why did i take chemistry and biology for my future...
i really2 wonder....
but i chose that already,and it's not like i regret about it...
i know things will tough after this...

but i feel panic...
urgh...i already finish the things that i helped from aqilah's cousin...
and things were tough..
so no need to be panic...

but i still feel uncomfortable...
da...what is this feeling?
mak cik azah said something nasty...
but i don't care..i had waste 3 years of my life thinking about all the nasty things she did...
my maturity told me to just ignore her and look forward for a nastier person to come..
was that person Mdm Shakirah?
haha...lucky i don't need to see her in the next sem...

k...
maybe i need to poop...
maybe that's what bothering me all this time...
shitte~!

i don't think tonight's game have any effect towards my comfortability....
urgh...
YNWA then!

aiman new word & nervous!

A'kum n ello..

a new word from aiman...
ahah~...
tho i don't like what he said...
eventho he meant it as something else...

the word that he said is...
BABY!
but..
he said it as..
BA-BI!
not bae-bi....
lorh~~~
i think he should learn korean cos many korean words have bae instead of ba...
da..~~

hee..~
very2 nervous rite now...
n lucky the We Got Married show(a korean show about celebs becoming act as newlyweds with other celebs) is full of laughter...
i can try to lower my rate of nervousness...
ahah!

ta then!

• tried to listen to Nicholas Teo's song,tho his songs and voice are good,i still feel awkward when listening to chinese....
• so JunJin's new solo song is just korean cos i don't mind korean...
• lololo...